TW: discussion of suicidal ideation

Sappy post ahead, but today is a big day.

Two years ago, I was discharged from the hospital for suicidal ideation for the fourth and (hopefully) the last time. I had just been in the hospital for a week, then spent less than twelve hours at home, came very close to attempting suicide, was sent back to the ER by friends, spent twenty-two hours in the ER (op-ed about this), and then was admitted to another hospital for a week. It was the end of a chaotic, and frankly hellish, two weeks.

Recovery didn’t happen overnight from that hospitalization, but it was an identifiable step in my journey. It was when I felt heard by doctors. It was when I let myself actually cry and feel for the first time in months. And it was when I agreed with myself to take suicide off the table, for at least a year. Then I could reconsider. But I never needed to because by then I was on the right meds, therapy was working, and I was feeling so much better.

Maybe it’s emotional and cheesy and sappy, but I’m really proud of myself.

To celebrate, I put together a gift of love to myself. It’s almost my birthday, and this is kind of like a birthday in a way. Each item has a connection (sometimes funny) to where I’ve been and where I am now.

1. Fun, cat socks to wear instead of hospital socks.
2. My next supply of meds because gotta have those. #selfcare
3. Scrunchies. For whatever reason, I wasn’t allowed scrunchies in the first hospital, and it has become a running joke with friends.
4. Valentines to write for family and friends. I love snail mail.
5. Fancy-pantsy chapstick. I was never assertive enough to ask for chapstick in the hospital, and it was painful.
6. Underwear. Weird, but one hospital lost my underwear, so I had none the whole week, and it’s kind of hilarious.
7. A book of poetry about life and recovery. Haven’t read it yet, but I hope it’s good!
8. Real silverware like you couldn’t have in the hospital. Jk, it’s kid Toy Story silverware because that’s cuter.
9. Chocolate ice cream, because there’s no celebration without chocolate ice cream. Also, once a very sweet nurse called to the kitchen to get me some.
10. And some new purple pens for writing good into the world. 

Morgan