Today, I bought a new winter coat. That might not seem eventful, but it is to me. Because after wearing the same bulky black coat for years, I have to go up a size or two. That’s the main reason I even got a new coat. I’ve gained weight, and the old one no longer zips.
Gaining weight is an odd experience. It’s hard to notice until the seasons change and pants you wore every day last winter no longer pull up the same way, if they go over your hips at all. Part of me wants to keep all these tight clothes in case I lose the weight. But a bigger part of me knows that’s not helpful. Finally, I’ve started pulling out and making a pile of all the clothes that no longer fit to donate. It’s another step though to buy new clothes in a bigger size.
I want to not care about numbers for the sake of my mental health. I want to love what my body can do and how it keeps me alive. I want to be body positive, for me and those around me. And sometimes I can hold these truths. Other times, I still find myself hoping I lose some of the weight I’ve gained. I still find myself re-hanging up a shirt that no longer fits.
At the end of the day though, I am not made to fit my clothes. My clothes are meant to fit me. I do not need to shrink myself or change myself to fit into old clothes. I can buy new clothes that fit me. And I will. And today I did. So, I got a new winter coat, a size or two up from what I
normally used to wear. I felt a rush of anxiety when I tried on the new coat and it fit. And then I bought it anyway. It’s a beautiful grey. The anxiety has and will continue to come down. I’m excited for it to get colder, so I can wear my new coat with comfort.