This weekend, I will be presenting at the 2023 Online OCD Conference! One session I’m speaking on is:

Workin’ 9 to 5: OCD in the Workplace as a Young Adult
Saturday, October 21, 12:45-2:00pm eastern time

With Jessie Birnbaum, Sam Faden, and Angela Henry, LCSW, we will be talking about that transition, typically from school, into work through a young adult lens specifically, and how OCD can join for the ride.

I work at a public library, mostly doing outreach and home delivery for senior patrons, but also a mix of countless other tasks, like answering the phones, finding and shelving books, and helping at the service desk.

Like anyone with OCD, even though my symptoms are now well treated and managed, I still will always have OCD. So, inevitably sometimes OCD shows up at work too. Here are a few ways how.

Difficulty leaving the house

I love my job, but gosh darn it if sometimes it isn’t hard to leave the house and even go to work. And who doesn’t want to stay home some mornings, especially when your cozy cat is still snuggled up snoring?

For me though, fear runs a little deeper than most. I have difficulty leaving the house because it means facing the world and all the possibilities that could go wrong. What if I do something wrong? What if say something that offends someone? What if I don’t do enough?

Plus, what if something happens at home, like a fire starts, when I’m not home. What would happen to that sleeping cat? Once I’m at the library, I’m glad to have went, but crossing the literal threshold can be a task in itself.

Phone calls…

A big part of my job involves making lots of phone calls, over a dozen at a time sometimes. Every week, I go down my delivery list for that route and ask those patrons if they’d like any books or other library materials delivered, and what they’d like, so I can grab it and put it in a bag to deliver to them.

Let me emphasize that all of these patrons are lovely to talk to, seeming grateful for the conversation and deliveries. And maybe it’s just a generational difference, but phone calls make me so anxious. Sometimes I will look at my list and have to give myself the pep talk that “Okay, only five calls left to make…now four, now three.” I don’t really avoid, so much as feel slight dread.

Thankfully, the more I do a task the easier it becomes. Answering phone calls used to scare me too, but I have answered so many now that it doesn’t even phase me. There is still uncertainty about what the caller will be asking and if I’ll know the answer, but I am much more confident now in my abilities to either answer the questions or find a resource to help. And if not, I can always put them on hold and ask someone else!

Independent decision making

I have worked at this library now for over three years, but I think it took probably close to a year, if not longer, to feel okay making independent decisions. Often I would ask for a second opinion or confirmation from another staff member that I was making the right decision.

Of course, usually there is more than one way to do something, and sometimes there is no “right” way to do things at all; it’s more flexible than that. For example, when a patron returns a beat up book, do I charge them? Most of the time no, especially if the book looks old and what I call “well loved,” but what if that is the wrong decision? What if I’m costing the library money? The “what if’s” never seem to end.

What has helped me the most though truly is time, which can’t be rushed. I’m self-aware that it takes time for my confidence in new tasks and responsibilities to build. With three years behind me now, I can most of the time make my own decisions and not spend too much time then second guessing myself.

I’m not leaving this job any time soon, but any new jobs will require this transitional time. I will have to approach future new environments with self-compassion and patience.

Hyper-responsibility & fear of doing wrong

If a supervisor says, “Hey, do you have a minute to talk?” I immediately assume I’ve done something terrible. So far, that has never been the case. I have no evidence for these assumptions. Plus, we do not have a culture at this workplace of shame or wrongdoing. Anything that requires a conversation will start with simply that, a conversation.

I appreciate this culture more than my supervisors may ever know. But that also doesn’t change the fact that I have OCD. I am very afraid of doing something wrong, especially if it may somehow harm others.

A few weeks ago, I watched a child in the library fall off her mother’s lap and hit her head on a shelf. I stopped what I was doing (helping someone send a fax because yes, people still send faxes) to get the first aid kit and another staff member. The child’s head ended up bleeding badly enough that her mom said they would go to urgent care. But why didn’t I go to them sooner? Why didn’t I do more?

I followed protocols and filled out an incident report after they left, but I’ve still been ruminating about it for weeks. I’m well aware this rumination is OCD. As far as I know, the girl is okay now. It just goes to show though the deep compassion at the route of many OCD thoughts. We really want others to be okay.

Should I disclose my OCD at work?

Personally, I am an open book about having OCD. If you Google my name, OCD comes up early in the results. OCD also sometimes comes up through mention of my advocacy work or nonprofit Not Alone Notes, and I am happy to explain.

I will say that one benefit of disclosing that I may not have predicted, is that many have also disclosed back to me and even asked for resources. My openness helped initiate that valuable conversation and exchange.

Overall though, disclosing about OCD, especially in the workplace, is absolutely a personal choice. I also want to mention that reasonable accommodations for OCD are protected under the Americans with Disability Act (ADA). We talk about the decision to disclose or not a lot more in our conference presentation.

I hope to see you at the Online OCD Conference this weekend! And if you’re one of my coworkers reading this blog post, I’ll probably see you tomorrow at work.

Morgan