This is probably not a surprise, especially to anyone who knew me as a child. I’ve suspected it for a while, and even written about it before. Still, having a diagnosis is always an experience, and not necessarily a negative one for me. I find a lot of clarity, and even community, in the labels.

I had an intake session with a new therapist today and I kept mentioning separation anxiety, as one of my main concerns and a goal to work on. She read through the Separation Anxiety Disorder questionnaire, and if I hadn’t have been so overwhelmed and anxious from the intake, my jaw might have been on the floor.

Every criteria fit my experiences, and I said “yes” to just about every line. The only questions I answered “no” to were about if it prevents me from doing things, and my “no” was accompanied by “I white knuckle my way through it.” For a while I’ve labeled these fears as other psychological terms, like agoraphobia or abandonment issues, but separation anxiety fits so much better.

Fear of something happening to my partner while he is away, and him not coming back? Check.

Discomfort leaving home because of separation from my partner or pets? Check.

Difficulty sleeping and having nightmares when separated? Check and check.

The list goes on. And sure, there are OCD and BPD shades within these fears. I fear my partner will get in a car accident as the something happening, because OCD loves car accidents, so I obsess about if I hear from him. When I’m gone, I fear our apartment will catch fire and I won’t be there to save our pets; fire is an OCD theme of mine.

My concern that I’ll be sick and end up alone is BPD, but it’s also separation anxiety. My partner works at a camp all summer, so I don’t have as much contact or see him for weeks. It’s really hard, probably because of BPD, but also separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is the real core of all of this.

Maybe everyone around me already knew this about me, but my mind is a bit blown. The therapist and I didn’t talk about a new diagnosis in today’s initial session, but I checked the patient portal, and there it is. I officially have separation anxiety disorder.

Morgan