My anxiety has been at a higher baseline these past few weeks, particularly separation anxiety with my partner out of state all summer. For the first time in well, ever, my doctor and I increased my SSRI dosage. I felt a bit wonky for a bit, but it has helped. I feel less anxious, and my partner’s arrival date home keeps getting closer too, which helps.

During these increased bouts of anxiety though, I started to ruminate about the anxiety itself, as one with anxiety does. Does this mean I’m relapsing? Does this mean my anxiety will be severe again, and it will last forever? I started to feel ashamed, like I had done something wrong and failed and preventing my anxiety from growing again.

Of course, these thoughts are all just part of the anxiety. It’s my responsibility to manage my anxiety, but it isn’t my fault if it increases. Plus, a lapse can be very different from a full relapse. It can be so easy to feel an increase in symptoms, and jump to the conclusion that I am back where I started. It’s easier said than done though, to know that is not true.

Across the street from where I work is one of the college dorms. This week, I’ve been seeing all the students, mostly freshman, move in. That has given me much perspective that I am nowhere near where I started. When I started college, I didn’t even have an OCD diagnosis yet. It was all untreated. I hadn’t started this blog. I had been in therapy, but not much compared to what was to come. There was a whole mental health journey ahead of me, and the journey continues.

I keep catching myself at the window, watching these families move in, and just thinking, “Wow, I do not miss that.” Sure, I don’t miss hauling all my belongings up three flights of stairs to a dorm room with a stranger roommate, but I’m also so glad I’m through that stage of my life.

I don’t mean to send fear for new students that college will be negative for everyone. It surely isn’t, but for me it was a time filled with mental illness, largely undiagnosed at first and then followed by severe symptoms and intensive treatment to get to where I am today.

I do not miss being so scared, confused, and lost. I am not that woman anymore. Yes, I may have days, or even weeks, of higher anxiety, but I am nowhere near where I once was. Plus, I really believe in momentum when it comes to mental health. I can keep building on wins and skills, while validating my increased anxiety. I’m already moving in that direction.

Morgan