Last year, I traveled a ton. Between day trips and overnight trips, travel for work and pleasure, I went to Chicago (several times), rural Michigan, Kansas City, Indianapolis, and New York City.

Here’s the thing though: I hate traveling. It brings me so much anxiety to be away from home, away from my pets, away from my routines. But there are things I want to do, people and places I want to see.

All the travels I did last year were all for things and people I love. I went to Kansas City for a longtime friend’s wedding as her Maid of Honor. I went to NYC to see Broadway shows with another close friend. I got to present at a library conference for the first time.

I overall had a good time on these trips, albeit feeling anxious. I’m grateful to be able to spend time with loved ones, see so many shows, and do cool things.

The reasons I traveled are important. They give me motivation to push through the anxiety. I am living a value-based life. Still, it doesn’t decrease the anxiety.

Last year I made a list of all recent and upcoming travels. I kept it in the Notes app on my phone. As trips were added, I would put them on the list. As others were finished, I would check them off the list.

Is this list-making OCD and a compulsion? Probably. To an OCD therapist, definitely.

Am I going to stop doing it? Probably not.

Making lists soothes me. For one, it helps take the list that is cycling over and over in my head, and gets it down on (digital) “paper.” Having the list written down significantly decreases the amount of times it circles in my brain.

Another reason making lists helps is that when I’m checking off items, it feels like an accomplishment. I know I pushed through the anxiety and did that trip. I can also watch the list of future travels gradually decrease.

If making lists allows me to decrease my anxiety enough to keep going on these values-based trips, so be it. It’s not a perfect solution or “perfect treatment,” but nothing really is.

Sure, I need to be careful that the compulsion doesn’t increase exponentially and then get in the way of living my life. I haven’t started a list for travels yet this year, but I’m also consciously traveling way less, so it doesn’t feel as needed.

I have a pretty good reading on my OCD and where I am with symptoms. I’m doing okay.

Anyway, you should see my to do list. It’s much, much worse…

Morgan