This past weekend, I graduated with my master’s degree in Library and Information Science. It was an exciting several days of celebration with family and friends, the culmination of two years of hard work. But it’s been more than two years. I’ve been in school almost constantly since preschool, with just a few breaks here and there between college and graduate degrees.

More than that, I’ve defined myself by school for just about all of my life. As a kid, school came easy for me, and I was pulled out of class for gifted programs. I quickly began to define my self-worth as tied to getting good grades and being smart, rather than as inherent. School also represented structure, and getting good grades something I could control.

This, of course, tied easily into OCD and perfectionism. Getting perfect grades became imperative to my brain, beyond just important to me. I’ve worked on this a great deal in therapy. I want to try and do well in school, but getting straight A’s no longer really matters to me. A “B” is no longer as soul crushing as it once felt.

Why then, do I have no idea what to do with myself, now that I am theoretically done with school forever? No one believes me on this. Everyone keeps joking that I’ll go back eventually, or even soon, for a PhD. And maybe I will, but either way, in the meantime I feel a bit empty. How can so many years of school be over now, just like that?

A conversation with my fiancé (another big life update of recent days!) went as follows:

Me: What do I do now?

Joe: I don’t know. Enjoy not having school.

Me: How? What do I do with myself?

Joe: Just live?

Me: How do I live without school?

How do I live without school. That’s the true question.

I’m getting more involved again with my community theater again, something I had to put on a pause for a bit, while taking evening classes several nights a week. It’s nice to get to reconnect with these friends and the art form I love dearly. Still, not having school to define my days (or heck, my existence) is an adjustment.

When I’ve talked to others about this, they have suggestions like learning a new craft or starting a new T.V. show. I tried to watch T.V., and it lasted barely ten minutes. I find myself getting so anxious by just sitting there and doing what feels like “nothing.” Part of my anxiety is that I have to constantly feel like I’m doing “something.” I often joke that “if you never stop moving, then you don’t have to feel anything,” but productivity truly is one of my main coping mechanisms.

I need to work on getting more comfortable just being. You mean mindfulness, one of my least favorite skills? Sigh…ugh.

Morgan