I last posted in October when my dog, Maisy, and I had just finished a training class. For context, Maisy can be especially reactive with other dogs, and occasionally with people, if she gets spooked. Relatedly, my biggest OCD theme lately is a fear of Maisy biting or otherwise hurting someone. This led to avoiding having people over to the house, not going on walks when others are likely to be out walking, and plenty more compulsive behaviors. They made me feel safe in the short term, but helped my OCD grow exponentially.

I’ve been working on targeted exposures again with my therapist for this fear. These exposures have included going on walks at “peak” times, watching news stories about dog bites, having people over who Maisy had met previously, and then having people over who Maisy had never met. I’m not cured. I still have OCD and need to keep working on this fear to live a full life. But I have made a ton of progress, so I wanted to both document and celebrate that.

A big turning point was this past Halloween. When I got home from work around 5pm, my thoughts were racing. “So many people are going to be out walking, especially kids Trick or Treating, so I definitely need to wait till later to take Maisy on a walk, or not even go today.” And pretty quickly, I identified these thoughts as OCD. I know enough about exposure therapy to know that when OCD is telling me to do something, I probably should choose to do the opposite: go for a walk intentionally during Trick or Treating. Granted, I wouldn’t do something spontaneous like this as my first exposure. We work our way up to these harder moments. Still, I felt I could handle it, even though I knew it would be hard.

So Maisy and I went on a walk. She did bark at a few kids, and definitely didn’t like some of the scary masks, but overall Maisy did fine. I did great. Yes, my anxiety rose, but it was manageable, and we accomplished the exposure.I went home feeling extremely proud of myself for making the choice to expose, instead of avoiding. Yes, planned exposures are helpful, but I feel like I unlocked a new level by doing an in-the-moment, just life exposure.

Today, Maisy and I did another exposure. Because of the snow and cold, we went on a walk inside at Lowe’s. It was still scary, but much less frightening than it would have been several months ago. Progress doesn’t happen overnight, but progress is visible when you look at the long term.

Still, as we wound our way through the aisles, I found myself avoiding aisles with other people and keeping a big distance. I noted this, and eventually worked my way up to walking closer to other people. We walked around the aisles a few more times, and I kept pushing past my fear.

And of course, an employee offered Maisy some treats, so then they were best friends. Maisy was petted by several other people before leaving. I was nervous, but it was also fun, despite the anxiety. Maisy even picked out a treat from the dog section, so overall, I think she had a great time. I wouldn’t say doing the exposure was fun for me, but again I left feeling exhilarated and so proud of myself. Exposures are hard, but the joy of achievement (plus the continual recovery from OCD) definitely makes it worth it.

Morgan