I am objectively an extremely busy person. To summarize: I work full-time at the library, work part-time teaching dance classes at a studio, teach private dance lessons on weekends on the side, coordinate and write for my nonprofit Not Alone Notes, serve on the board of my community theater, and frequently perform or am on staff for theater shows. All this, plus various medical appointments, taking care of my pets, and of course, sleeping and eating.

When people hear and then point out how busy I am, I often joke that “if you don’t stop moving, then you can’t hear your thoughts.” And it is a joke for a laugh, but it’s also extremely true. I love everything that keeps me busy, and that’s part of why I do all these activities, but it’s also absolutely a way to avoid feeling anxious or having to sit with my thoughts. Nothingness is extremely uncomfortable for me.

I try to remind myself to find time for rest. I value rest and I appreciate when other people put that need first for themselves. Yet for myself, I typically have to be forced to take a break. I learn the hard way when my body forces me to stop sooner or later, by getting sick or absolutely crashing into a nap. Still, when I do find myself less busy, like this weekend, I kind of hate it. It makes me anxious.

For context, I was choreographer for the last musical at my community theater. Towards the end of the rehearsal process, I went from work all day, to sometimes teaching a dance class, to rehearsal, and then got home around 9 or 10pm. I would often be home for no more than 20 minutes at a time, enough to let my dog out and find something to eat. Meals were quick, and sleep was urgent. Every minute had an imminent purpose. There was no time to just “be.”

Meanwhile, this is my first few days in a while where not every minute is scheduled. And it happens to coincide with a weekend that my fiancé is out of town. So, I find myself feeling anxious. Should I watch TV? I watched one and a half episodes and didn’t like just sitting there. I could read a book, but even that’s hard. Instead I listen to audiobooks, so I can do something active at the same time too, like dishes or laundry. I could take my dog on a walk, but now it’s late and dark, so going outside would only increase my anxiety.

I’m not sure I’ve ever known how to slow down. If I used to be better at it, I certainly don’t remember how now. In high school, I was overly involved with band, dance team, and studying until 1am every night. Then, the hardest time of year was the beginning of summer. I absolutely crave routines, so the “freedom” of summer break introduced a huge change in pace. Adjusting to have free time was almost harder than going back to school. At least with school and homework, I had a schedule. I felt sure of my days.

This weekend is good practice for this summer, when my fiancé will be director at a summer camp again, and gone for almost three months. Him being away can intensify what I call “existential o’clock.” This is what happens when the day’s activities are done, my anxiety starts to rise, and I walk in circles because there is nothing left to do but just be with yourself.

Every summer so far, my strategy has been to stay super busy, and it’s been fairly successful. That is until the anxiety and loneliness catch up to me. There’s only so busy a person can be. And trust me, I push it to the limits. Perhaps this summer though, I’ll try to get better at slowing down. I need to learn how to stop moving if I ever want to actually rest. It’s time for another brave experiment. Only time will tell…

Morgan