For years in therapy, it seems like the main message was all compulsions are bad and the ultimate goal is zero compulsions. I don’t think any therapists ever actually said this, but that’s how it often came across. OCD was to be fought at all times so you were the one “driving the bus” instead.

I don’t think that’s realistic though. Now, I think sometimes small compulsions are okay.

This week, I auditioned for another musical at my community theater. And let me tell you, auditioning never gets easier. I put so much pressure on myself to do well, and I often tie my value as a human to doing well and “being talented.”

And honestly, I think I did well at this audition. At least, I did my best, and what else can you do? Still, the stress of going through the audition itself, getting up on stage to sing in front of peers and strangers, and then the uncertainty after auditions of waiting for the cast list, it’s is a lot. It’s intense stress over several days. And I am prone to both stress and spiraling.

So today I decided to take a mental health day off from work. It’s important for me to not let this spiral into exhaustion and poor mental health. I have enough insight to know a day of mostly rest will help.

Except I didn’t immediately then go to bed, despite only getting about 5 hours of sleep last night. I was awake (and still pumped full of cortisol and adrenaline), so I decided to be productive. I also manage the social media and website for the community theater, so I worked on checking some things off that to do list.

And I did compulsions. Just a few small ones, mostly things like making unnecessary lists, and then checking off tasks from those lists to give that little burst of dopamine. I reviewed my overly detailed calendar, adding and organizing and making it even more ridiculous.

It’s an interesting middle ground. Sure, having a detailed calendar and to do list is not always OCD. I am super busy, so it’s how I function. But with my sticky brain I tend to take it too far into OCD territory. And today, I let myself have some moments where I took it too far because it was calming. Those little compulsions, even if temporarily, helped lower my stress. It’s almost like stimming, little repetitive behaviors to cope with big emotions, like stress. Sometimes that’s what you need to get through the day.

Of course, I need to be careful. Compulsions can quickly grow. But I also am aware that these little compulsions are helping me get through the day. They’re helping me get back to my baseline where I can more successfully fight OCD and resist compulsions. I’m still “driving the bus,” and I’m okay with these decisions.

Morgan