I have been sick on and off this past week. I ended up testing positive for COVID at one point, so then I stayed home for a few days again, but mostly my symptoms have been minor. Today, I went back to work. (Yes, on a Saturday. Libraries are open on the weekend, and I was scheduled.)

Let me just say that last night, I had the Sunday (well, technically Friday) Scaries. Normally, the Sunday Scaries describes the post-weekend dread with restarting the week and *duhn, duhn, duhn* the transition into Monday morning. Last night, I felt anxious anticipating going back to work in the morning. There was the unrealistic urge to stay home and frankly, never leave the house again.

It’s not that I don’t want to go to work or that I don’t like my job. In fact, I really enjoy working at a library. Not every day is ideal, but most days are good. I want to continue in this library and information science field. (Hence why I’m getting a master’s in it.)

What I dislike is transition and change. I got used to being home, and now I have to get used to going to work again every day.

Honestly, the transition to being home for a few days is just as difficult. How do I spend that time? What do I do with myself? How do I even rest? But I did adjust, and right when I did feel adjusted, it was time to go back to work. This discomfort with change can understandably make even getting to a point of rest difficult.

I have always been this way, ever since I was a kid. While most kids were ecstatic for summer break, I found the transition especially hard. I had to adjust to being home from school and doing different activities, and then once I finally got the hang of it, I had to readjust to being back at school five days a week. Every. Damn. Year. Why couldn’t we just continue school year-round?

This is also why vacations are difficult for me. I don’t like change, even if it “should” be positive change. As someone with OCD, I am a creature of habit. I feel comfort in routine.

Thankfully, work is more like year-round school. There are weekends, but it’s not a long enough time that it feels like as big of a transition as a summer off. And for my master’s program, I will be taking a summer class, so that stays mostly the same. I have a few upcoming trips planned, for a friend’s wedding and potentially for a library conference. They are far enough out though that I can do plenty of mental preparation.

What helps me is thinking about aspects I am excited for, or my motivation for going to the thing. For example, I was excited to wear my Star Wars shirt to work today for May 4th, as silly as that may seem. I was also looking forward to seeing my coworkers and re-establishing my typical routine. Looking out farther, I can’t wait to stand by my friend’s side at her wedding, even if traveling makes me anxious.

All this to say, you are not alone if breaks or vacations or rest are hard for you. They’re hard for me too.

Morgan