I don’t trust my memory because of OCD. It can be hard to differentiate what actually is crucial to be remembered, and what is okay to maybe forget.

This leads to making lots of lists. I’ve been doing it for years, fluctuating in severity of the compulsions. Especially in high school and undergraduate college, I made dozens of lists a day. Paper note were everywhere, and sometimes they were so nonsensical that when I looked back on them, they didn’t even make sense anymore.

My list making has definitely decreased overall, but I think in the past year or so, it has started creeping back up again. Especially living in a digital world, it is so easy to have our phone or computer at our hands, and to quickly make a list, reminder, calendar event, etc.

I’ve joked that I live and die by my Google calendar, but sometimes it feels all too true. People have seen my calendar before and gasped. I have reminders and notes for just about everything, for example, getting gas in my car, changing my cat’s litter box, doing the dishes, etc.

In some ways, I think it is functional. It allows me to block out time for tasks, for example hours I’m at work or setting aside time for homework. But with a brain with OCD like mine, it can quickly become excessive.

I tell myself, especially when I’m anxious, the lists help. They allow me to channel my anxiety and get it down on paper (or digitally). At least it helps me stop cycling through repeating the list in my head. The problem is that most of the lists are the compulsions, and compulsions only help in the short-term.

Pretty soon though, I feel the urge to make another list, and another. I’ve added fuel to the fire by scratching that itch. The irony is my memory is just fine. I probably don’t even need the lists. The solution is allowing myself to possibly forget. Easier said than done.

Morgan

P.S. Today is the tenth anniversary of when I started this blog. Wowowow, that’s almost a third of my life! Thank you, as always, for reading.