Today, I got my first “compliment” about my new body.

I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and that has caused me to gain a fair amount of weight over the past few years. I don’t publicize numbers, but it was enough that it was noticeable to me (I kept having to buy new clothes) and probably to others too.

Recently, with an endocrinologist we’ve been trying new medications, and it finally has started to help. I have started to lose weight. However, my goal was never focused on losing weight. My focus was on feeling better and having fewer symptoms from the insulin resistance. Before I was constantly hungry, and often shaky and dizzy.

The medications have helped with that. However, that also make me fairly nauseous, and I throw up more often than I should be throwing up. It’s a toss up because something is finally helping with PCOS, but I have in some ways just swapped those symptoms for others.

And on the other hand yes, I am losing weight. To the sticky part of my brain with OCD and honestly, some history of eating disorder tendencies, that feels very good. It’s all too tempting to lean in and keep trying to lose more. A big part of me wants to get back to my former, smaller body, no matter the health risks to my current body. (And there are health risks. I’m also working with a nutritionist, who is insisting I keep eating protein with every meal. She’s worried I’m losing muscle, in addition to fat.)

Meanwhile, the rational and “therapized” part of my brain knows these thoughts are not helpful. The last thing my brain and body need is to develop a full-fledged eating disorder. I know that, but it’s hard when diet culture is everywhere around me. People constantly talk about wanting to lose weight or restricting their food. Even the endocrinologist doctor seems so happy about the weight loss. It’s like the mental health world and the medical world are feuding.

I’ve been dreading receiving a comment about my body. That means the weight loss is now noticeable to others too, and my brain doesn’t quite know how to handle that. Today it finally happened. Someone at work asked if I’ve been losing weight, and even when I explained it’s related to getting a hormonal condition under control, they said that I look good.

Here’s the problem. When you say I “look good,” what I hear is that I didn’t look good before. What I hear is that it’s okay to skip meals if I feel nauseous. That when the nausea gets so bad and I throw up, it’s not a bad thing. I hear that weight loss is good, which is actually dangerous for me and my brain.

I know the intentions were good. It was likely meant as a compliment, but I don’t take it that way. If anything, it just makes me even more self-conscious about my body.

Please keep all comments about others’ bodies to yourself. You never know what they’re going through, mentally, physically, or a combination of both. Please and thank you.

Morgan