I work at a public library, so I often see new books coming in and what’s being checked out the most. There are currently several new titles that intrigue me, and I want to read. For years though, I’ve been almost exclusively listening to eAudioBooks with my public library card. And I’m ashamed to admit that is because of OCD.

I rarely get caught in a compulsive cycle of re-reading anymore, like I used to in high school and college, when reading for school would take me many extra hours. Still OCD has decided its best to just avoid physical books. The thought of cracking one open brings a rush of anxiety, so then I don’t, which is sad because I love books and reading so much.

It doesn’t help that I currently do a fair amount of reading for graduate school. Much of my energy and courage for pushing past OCD then goes into those weekly readings. Even though I’ve significantly reduced the re-reading compulsions, it still takes a push. (Though I am in my last semester of library school!)

For years, the only physical books I picked up and gotten through have been graphic novels or children’s books. These shorter or easier format books are accessible enough to slide past OCD’s aversion.

Here’s the problem: sometimes an eAudioBook doesn’t exist. My only option here is to read the physical book (or if I dare, an eBook in print).

Some other times the eAudio exists, but my library hasn’t purchased a licensing copy to it yet. I would have to ask Collection Development to purchase a copy. And they totally would. When I have asked, they said yes. Still, I feel like I ask too often to request yet another title. Ah, shame! Ew, assertiveness!

So what are my options?

1. I can face OCD by being assertive and asking Collection Development to purchase the eAudio book, so I can listen to that format that is more accessible to me.
2. I can face OCD by checking out the physical book and forcing myself to open and read it, despite anxiety telling me to avoid avoid avoid.
3. I can do neither and not ever read that book.

What do you do when there are two solutions to a problem, but both of them require facing OCD? To read, or not to read, that is the question.

I don’t have an easy answer. At the end of the day, it is my choice between those options. Knowing myself, my bravery, and my motivation from books, I’ll likely go either either one or two. But both of those options require facing my anxiety and doing exposures. It’s good for me in the long run; uncomfortable in the short-term.

Even just thinking about the exposures, I can already feel the anxiety rising. So, I go and check out the physical copy of the book. It’s not huge, which helps, but it’s a book with a cover and pages and words. It’s OCD’s nemesis. Here we go…

Morgan