OCD tells me I’m a terrible person, and sometimes I believe it.

Most of the time, I don’t. I know logically that I do my best to be a good person, and everyone makes mistakes in life. No one is inherently good or bad. We are all multifaceted people, living in a complicated world. Still, there’s a part deep down that nags at me, and makes me wonder if it’s true.

Logic rarely works to combat OCD, at least not for me. I could list a million “good” things I have done in my life, and that would never counteract all the “bad” things I have done. Something I did in Kindergarten that I consider wrong? That still counts. Something I did yesterday that was nice? Ancient history. In the continuous tally of my life, “good points” are fleeting. “Bad points” are permanent.

OCD even tries to tell me that my “good” acts don’t always count, especially if I’m doing them to be a good person or to counteract being a bad person. Then they weren’t altruistic in motivation. They were selfishly motivated, so they can’t really be good. Long story short: OCD is bologna.

Like in the later seasons of the show The Good Place (spoiler alert), the characters realize the points system is broken. It’s actually impossible to get enough good points, and as a result everyone on Earth is being sent to the bad place, no matter who they are or what they do.

I have talked about values in therapy many times before, but since I’ve been out of therapy for several years, inevitably it’s been a while. We talked about it again therapy today, and I picked a few values from a list of 60 that are most important to me.

Values can be a bit confusing with OCD, because what is me and what is because of OCD? It can be tricky to tease the two apart. Still, I picked my most important ten or so values, and then three more from there.

The top 3 were caring, love, and kindness. The other high contenders were of similar themes: compassion, supportiveness, etc. Even my therapist noted that my values sure are consistent. For anyone who’s met me, it’s shocking, I know. (This is sarcasm.) It’s not a surprise at all that these would be my top values.

And also not shocking, OCD tends to attack what we value most. I’m afraid of something happening to my pets because I really love and care about my pets. I’m afraid of causing harm to others because I also value safety. The more we value something, the more potential power OCD has to use it against us.

Wait, so you mean my highest values revolve around what would theoretically make someone a good person, and OCD tries to tell me I’m a bad person? Oh. It actually makes sense.

I may have finally found a convoluted enough string of logic that can go up against OCD telling me at least these straight lies.

Morgan

P.S. Please do not give any reassurance about my being a “good person.” Reassurance doesn’t help, and can make OCD worse.

P.P.S. I should totally rewatch The Good Place. That show is amazing.