Big news here on the blog: I got married! My wonderful HUSBAND (still getting used to that word), Joe, and I tied the knot on April 11. It was truly a special and beautiful day that I will cherish for a lifetime together. I have included photos throughout this post for your enjoyment. (Our photographer, Morgan White, did a wonderful job!)

There were times when I was stressed, but overall, OCD was surprisingly quiet throughout the wedding planning process. For example, when picking my dress, I was decisive, for perhaps the first time in my life. I only tried on five total, and all on one day, before knowing which dress I wanted to wear. It just felt like me.

The morning of the wedding, my intention over and over was to be in the moment throughout the day. I’m really proud of myself for how I stuck to and met this goal. With my dress in particular, I didn’t worry about it getting dirty or torn. It was meant to be worn that day, so I wore it!

That said, I do want to keep my dress for memories’ sake, so I excitedly ordered a wedding dress preservation kit, barely ten days after the wedding. The box arrived, and then I stalled and stalled and stalled actually sending my dress to be cleaned and carefully stored.

For other aspects of the wedding, I was ready to move on. Centerpieces, tablecloths, signs, and more were quickly listed for sale on Facebook Marketplace or eventually given away. I wanted our living room floor back! But something about the dress kept making me pause.

I wanted at least one more time of wearing the gown, before it sat on a shelf for the foreseeable future. In many ways, it was the last step of putting this special day behind us and stepping into the future. There are also so many emotions tied up in a wedding dress. This was what I was wearing when we said our vows! I’m no fashion guru, but that feels pretty important, no matter what you wear.

I chose to make this “last time” of putting on the wedding dress on our one-month anniversary. I surprised Joe by putting it on and then telling him to come upstairs and see. He got to see me as his bride again (though he says I will always be his bride). We danced a little, but already the dress didn’t fit just right. It was hard to clasp, and eventually part of the hook and eye popped off.

Leading up to the wedding, I likely wasn’t eating quite enough because of stress and busyness, so I wouldn’t be surprised if post-wedding I had now gained a little weight. Bodies constantly fluctuate and change, but as someone who has struggled with her body image, this was a blow for me. I began to obsess about my ever-changing body, and I also began to worry the clasp could have broken at the wedding.

Needless to say, the clasp didn’t break at the wedding. The dress fit great, looked beautiful, and I had a wonderful day celebrating with my new husband. Yet, OCD likes to worry about not just the future, but somehow also the past. Retroactive worrying truly makes no sense, since we can’t change the past, but when has OCD ever made sense?

Now though, this “last” moment of wearing my wedding dress “one more time” felt tainted in a way, or emotionally contaminated, to use OCD terminology. Now I really couldn’t put the dress in storage. So, I stalled some more, for literally several weeks.

Only today did I finally pack up the dress to send it off for cleaning and preservation. It took some mental aerobics to get myself to finally do it. And yes, I did put it on one more time, for a second time. No, it didn’t zip all the way or quite fit. Yes, I’m still processing that and trying not to let OCD and body image struggles be bullies in my brain.

I wish I had a clear answer for how I got myself to finally do the hard thing. It was a combination of giving myself time to process and then finally saying, “Okay, it is happening today!” We can do hard things.

It’ll be several weeks before I see my wedding dress again now, and this next time, it will be pristinely set in a box. I likely won’t take it out or put it on for a long time. A dress can be cleaned, but no moment is perfect. No day or memory or event or even a wedding is perfect. Granted, our wedding was pretty darn close to perfect (it really was a wonderful day), but the important thing is how Joe and I move forward together.

On to the future,

Morgan Vitti (Note the new last name!)

All photographs are credited to Morgan White Photography.