As someone with OCD, it often feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel responsible for everyone and everything’s safety. I must prevent accidents, but more than that if I were to cause injury, that would be the worst case of all. To OCD, it doesn’t matter if the harm was intentional or not.

This hyper-responsibility for OCD can show up in a multitude of different ways. It relates to my fears of fire, more so of accidentally causing a fire. And last night, it once again related to my dog.

I love my dog, Maisy, so much. I care about my dog deeply. With that care, I’ve been trying to trim her nails for weeks. She does not like it. I’ve been using a dremel. I get about three half done, before she is done, and I have to stop, having accomplished almost nothing.

So finally I bought regular clippers, thinking at least I would make progress, even if only on three nails at a time. Last night I used it for the first time, and the adventure ended abruptly when I accidentally cut a nail too short. She cried out and ran to hide from me.

I felt exceptionally guilty. I kept calling her name, saying that I was sorry. Pretty quickly, Maisy forgave me and was back to following me around the house. But that didn’t stop my panic attack, especially when she kept licking her paw and it kept bleeding, tracking some blood on the floor. As I cried and pleaded how sorry I was, Maisy licked my tears.

This made think that I don’t deserve her gentle licks. I don’t deserve the blanket my partner brought me or other comforts. I harmed her, so I deserve punishment. Which I know that sounds twisted, and I’m not going to do anything to actively punish myself, but the thoughts are prevalent. I kept repeating to myself that “I felt so guilty.”

I felt a lot better this morning, after a night of sleep and continuing to see Maisy act as her usual self. I was thinking over these feelings of guilt, and I realized it’s not actually guilt I’m feeling. It’s shame.

Guilt is when you have done something wrong. If I had shoplifted the nail clipper from the pet store or intentionally hurt Maisy, either of those would warrant guilt. “I did something bad.”

Shame is feeling negatively about yourself as a person, whether that manifests as feeling worthless, inadequate, bad, or all of the above. “I am bad.” It’s subtle, but there is a difference.

I’d learned the distinction years ago, but forgot about it until this morning. The thoughts I was having, that “I am a monster, I don’t deserve my pets,” those are definitely thoughts from shame.

Guilt can be forgiven by apologizing to the person you wronged, returning the stolen item, volunteering hours of community service, etc. There are actionable ways to take responsibility and work to correct the mistake. It leads to growth and change.

Continuing down the path of shame leads to isolation and self-loathing. Tackling shame requires a different approach. If anything, it requires showing more love and self-compassion to ourselves. To break the cycle, we must forgive ourselves.

It can also be helpful to talk about what happened and these feelings with others, to build connection and community, rather than isolating. When I mentioned accidentally trimming my dog’s nail too short to coworkers, they reassured me the bleeding can be scary, but it happens. There is a learning curve, especially for dogs with black nails.

Several of my friends with OCD also validated that they go through these same patterns of feeling shame and like they deserve punishment. Few things are more powerful than validation.

Anyway, this was a great refresher for myself on guilt vs. shame. My dog is okay. I’m okay. Everything is okay.

Morgan