It’s no secret that I was a perfectionist in school, and pretty much from day one. I think this is in part because I enjoy school and am naturally good at it, but it was also in large part because I had undiagnosed OCD. I remember getting my first non-A on a test in 5th grade and being extremely upset all of recess.

At one point in high school, I was taking all of my math tests twice. I would go through it the first time, then fold my paper to cover my work and answers, take the test again, and compare my two answers. This just about ensured perfect scores. I was Valedictorian of my high school class, which could be a whole other blog post, but suffice it to say I worked very hard in school to be just about as perfect as I could be.

What is perhaps less well known by the people in my life who knew me then is that I saved all of my middle school, high school, and college materials for over a decade. As a matter of fact, I saved them until last week. The binders full of notes and spirals full of studying were kept meticulously in boxes. This was absolutely part of OCD and hoarding symptoms.

I graduated high school in 2013 and college in 2018. I was diagnosed with OCD in 2014, during my sophomore year of college. My mom has graciously moved all these boxes twice, including across states. Aside from the moves though, these boxes have hardly been touched since I sealed them with packing tape. That is they have hardly been touched until I decided this year to go through them and get rid of probably 98% of the contents.

Something strange about OCD is that when you add the distance of time and treatment as perspective, so much can change. Was it 100% worry-free to go through these boxes, putting most of the paper in a recycling bin and setting aside the binders to donate? No. But it was pretty darn close, and in many ways it felt freeing. Unsurprisingly, I no longer feel as emotionally attached to my 7th grade biology notes or my 10th grade history vocabulary flashcards, which has long OCD insisted I may need someday.

I didn’t do exposure therapy about the content of these boxes specifically, and I didn’t need to. The cool thing about OCD and ERP is that working on other fears and obsessions has made my symptoms decrease as a whole. Not to mention, having ten plus years between me and these boxes also helps a lot.

I kept a few items, such as an English paper I remember being particularly proud of or the textbook from my favorite college class, but it’s hardly enough to even fill one box. And then ironically, when I got home and was taking this box out of my car, I accidentally left it outside overnight.

Now I was pretty mad at myself for that, and thankfully it didn’t rain, but it also made me in chuckle. Because in high school, I would hardly let anyone touch or open these boxes, let alone think about getting rid of any of them. And now I had let my guard down enough to leave it outside all night. Oh, how times can change!

Morgan