Something I’ve realized about myself and told my therapist is that “I want someone to notice when I’m not okay.” That someone could be friends, coworkers, my husband, anyone. I wish they would notice if I’m tearful at work or skip a meal because of anxiety. Sure, I could just say, “I’m struggling” or “here’s what’s going on.” Yet, my instinct is to do the opposite. I wait and wait, and hope someone else will pick up on the subtle signs, and then that they will be brave enough to say something.

I’m not entirely sure why I do this. Maybe to my brain it seems like it would be easier than being direct, but in reality, it isn’t actually easier. When someone does ask about something that has been as hard or even asks flat out, “Are you okay?” then my instinct is to minimize the truth. I’m incredibly uncomfortable with sharing my emotions and any struggles, so I downplay what I’m dealing with. I hide any tears even more.

So yes, I do see the contradiction: “Ask me if I’m okay, while I hide that I’m not.” This closely mirrors the dialectical dilemma of active passivity vs. apparent competence, from dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). The middle path to work towards is becoming more comfortable with sharing authentic emotions, while also working to more independently solve other problems.

I need work on both sides of the coin, but I especially seem to be craving more deep connection lately. I have plenty of friends, and I do socialize, especially when I’m involved with a community theater show. But many of my closest friends live far away, so I don’t get to see them in-person often. And of the in-person friends, our relationships often stay on the surface. Both types friendships are still great, but as a human, I want and need more.

How do I build deeper friendships? Steps can include asking people to hang out in person more (isolating less), sharing authentic emotions more (even when they’re uncomfortable and scary), and working to support others in return (so the relationship goes both ways). Side note: do other people think about friendships this technically too, or just me?

Anyway, the better, more important question is how do I build these connections, while also working on emotional independence and resilience? I’ll be honest, I don’t entirely know how to walk that line yet, except that it’s a careful balancing act. I’m here to run trials and learn.

But here’s step 1: emotional vulnerability. The past few weeks, some days have been difficult.

My OCD is mostly under control again, and I’ve done a great job facing fears about my dog and harm. But that doesn’t mean I’m still an expert at handling other thoughts and emotions. Especially after my longtime therapist quit overnight, and the trauma of processing that sudden change, I definitely distanced myself from coping skills. I even willed myself to forget many DBT skills, since they reminded me of her. I’m not saying it was logical or helpful, but it was a way to cope. Now, I have the privilege of choosing to relearn implementing them.

And there I go again, still avoiding talking about current emotions, because it’s terrifying and feels icky. Okay. The truth is I’ve cried many times this summer, especially at night. I’ve been fine or great some times, but also scared and lonely and sad at other times. I’ve also been downright exhausted too from theater practice, which though fun, it doesn’t help to not get enough sleep. I also miss my (new) husband, who has been Director at a Scout camp for 2 months, several hours away. Mostly, I’ve been lacking connection in general, which can come from many different outlets and people. Hence why I want to work on it.

Summer is almost over, but there is still room to grow in fall and winter.

So, in no particular order and with plenty of repeats
Step 1: share authentic emotions
Step 2: socialize more
Step 3: add coping skills back in

Morgan